It’s funny how memories always stay when a person leaves. It’s like a rusty old stain on your shirt that won’t get off no matter how hard you try to remove it.
They say that if a man is not ready for commitment, even if you bring him all the ladies in the world and hand it to him on a silver platter, he still will not commit. They also say that if a man really values you and doesn’t want to lose you, he will do everything he can to keep you, because that is the real challenge, the challenge is not getting someone , the challenge is keeping them.
I fought for you and for the relationship to work, but later on I realized that if I continue fighting, I will be fighting myself, because in the soundless moments that I refrained from everyone and thought about this relationship, that little voice inside my head told me that it’s not what you want, it’s not how it should be, you are not happy, and when I paused and reflected, I was the only one fighting, while you were trying.
That had cause a long term effect on me, I grew tired. Emotionally and physically. You were always a pessimist. I tried my very best to go through all the hardships you a re facing, together. Because it had ached me every single time you were stressed about money. Your negative vibes always bring me down as I try not to see the greener grass on the other side, even though our grass was drying out.
I think the older you get, you look for those who can comfort you and be there for you as opposed to someone you can have fun with or just kill time with. You want security, knowing that when everyone walks out of your life, that person will walk in, and I never felt that, I felt that you were in the front line of people who are constantly disappointing me. Even after overlooking the lies, cheats and betrayal, you’d always be you. So I left, and I may have looked back a couple of times, but it was nothing more than pure nostalgia.
You were always “busy” doing other things, but you always chose “busy” over me, and eventually I chose me over “busy” and started giving more time to those who made time for me. Why do we always remember those who were always there for us when we find no one else? Why can’t we just value their presence without having to feel their absence?
When I saw how amazing you were to your friends, I realized that you are capable of being a giving & generous man..just not with me. How do you explain that? I don’t know. Maybe this where the whole ‘not meant to be’ thing comes into play. Why? Because we weren’t meant to be.
It won’t be easy getting over you, attachment is a double edged sword, but I learned that in relationships it’s better to break your own heart and save yourself from falling apart. Thank you for making me aware of the lines we shouldn’t cross in relationships, and how blurry these lines can be when you’re in love. Thank you for bringing me one step closer to ‘the one.